My husband's death was hard enough - then came the admin
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John meticulously planned the handover of household admin before his death Louisa Nicoll knew her husband John was going to die about a year before it happened.
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The couple used the time to make memories with their children, James and Amy, and John meticulously organised their paperwork. But despite him asking for accounts to be switched to Louisa's name, she still received post addressed to him after his death.
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In one letter from their energy provider, it said: "Sorry you're leaving us. Is there anything we can do to make you stay?" "I felt utterly exhausted, overwhelmed, frustrated and angry because of those experiences," she told BBC's Morning Live.
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Louisa now campaigns for changes in the way companies deal with admin after someone dies and offers advice on how talking about death before it happens can help families cope afterwards.
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After their father's death, James and Amy still received texts from their mobile phone provider that read "Hi, John" John was 50 and working as a police surveillance trainer when he was diagnosed with cancer.
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Louisa had a career in palliative care nursing and was a ward manager in a hospice.
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John underwent nine major surgeries and four rounds of chemotherapy - working full-time through it all. "He absolutely loved working with his supportive police colleagues, and he cherished everyday family life and spending time with our friends," says Louisa. When further surgery was no longer an option, palliative chemotherapy was offered.
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Following many discussions, John decided to focus on making memories as a husband, dad and friend rather than spending his final months as a patient.
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"He made a lovely speech at Amy's 18th birthday," she says. "We visited family in Scotland and had planned a family holiday to Greece - but Covid hit and we had a Greek night at home instead."
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The couple had a party for Louisa's 50th and their 25th wedding anniversary. John wrote Louisa an 18-page document called "things to make you smile" In the background, John was busy compiling a handover of the household admin. "He even wrote a plan for me titled 'things you need to know', packed with every household account, insurance renewal and MOT dates," she says.
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He had emailed their energy provider saying he would like Louisa to take over as the account holder due to his terminal diagnosis.
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But instead, she was added as an additional name and had to close and reopen the account.
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"I thought I was prepared for John's death but the reality was so much harder than I could ever have imagined.
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He really was the other half of me.
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So when I had to face the death admin, I felt so vulnerable without him beside me."
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James and Amy's mobile phone contracts were in John's name, too. They were asked to take his death certificate into a store but still received texts that read "Hi, John". "I'm sure nobody's doing this intentionally... but these companies could just get their bereavement services at a level that is not going to cause undue distress," says Louisa.
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"There should be a standardised practice." Louisa urges families regardless of age to have conversations and make end-of-life plans Sarah Middlemiss, policy campaigns manager at end-of-life charity Marie Curie, tells Morning Live admin tasks can be particularly difficult when you are grieving.
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"And because every company does things in a slightly different way and requires slightly different things, it can be really, really overwhelming," she says. "Proper training on how to deal with people who are grieving or who are terminally ill in a really sensitive and timely manner would go a really long way."
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John and Louisa at a family wedding before his diagnosis Louisa gives talks at events to encourage people to talk about death in advance.
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"We plan for every major event in life - weddings, pregnancy, career changes, retirement, even our meals each day - yet most people leave the end of life completely to chance," she says.
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"Our families end up trapped in a crisis - guessing our wishes in the back of an ambulance or a chaotic A&E department."
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She says she and John had those "hard but important conversations" long before they needed them.
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Louisa says John kept his sense of humour and personality throughout his treatment John died peacefully at home in August 2020, just one day after their 26th wedding anniversary.
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"Before he died, we spoke about what I would do for work after he died.
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He said, 'I think you'll tell our story, and show people that it is possible to live well when faced with dying.' And that is what I'm trying to do."
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